11 Ways to Love and Support a Grieving Friend

I wish you didn’t have to read this post. I wish you didn’t have grieving friend, I wish this kind of pain didn’t exist! But you’re here, and as someone who is in the middle of the grieving process, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for wanting to be there for your friend as she grieves. Having friends who dive into grief, rather than run away from it, will mean so much to your friend. Thank you for being here and taking the time to read through this.

I never thought I’d be in the position to write a post like this. But my incredible group of friends and family took care of us (and are still taking care of us) so well in the midst of losing our son. You can read his full story here. We got to see the body of Christ truly be the body of Christ. It is such a beautiful thing to feel God’s love through other people. We feel like we were lifted up and carried through the loss of our sweet boy, and it’s only by the grace of God and the kindness of our friends that we made it through.

I hope this list of how to help a grieving friend or family member is helpful to you. Remember that you know your friend better than I do, and what worked for me may not be the best thing for her. Cater this list of ideas to what will fit your friend’s needs the best!

1. Show up

This is number one on my list for a reason. For me, friends who showed up just to be with me during our journey meant the world to me. I remember one specific time when three of my friends asked if they could come on a certain day and time just to sit with me and have coffee. It was an easy yes for me. Having friends that dove into this journey and into my grief meant more to me than they will ever know.

Because of their kindness and thoughtfulness, I rarely felt alone and I always felt supported. Since we lost our son, grief has felt so heavy at times. It’s unpredictable and I never really know how I’m going to be from one day to the next. Knowing that my friends were coming just to be with me made me feel so loved. If you have a grieving friend, just show up. She’ll let you know if it’s not a good time, but more than likely, she’ll appreciate your presence so much.

2. Offer help with choices

Making decisions can become overwhelming quickly in the midst of grief. Your friend may not know how to answer the question, “What do you need?” But she most likely could answer the question, “Would you like Chick-fil-A or pizza tonight? We can drop it off around 5:30.” Grief takes you over in a way that makes small tasks feel impossible. I couldn’t tell someone what I needed because all I could think about was how much I needed my son. But grieving or not, we do need to eat. Offering help with choices made all the difference for me. Here are some examples of questions you could ask:

“Can I watch the kids for you this Wednesday or Thursday afternoon?”

“I’m going to Starbucks. I can come swing by and bring you coffee if now is a good time. Would you like something hot or iced?”

“We’d love to keep the kids so you and your husband can have some time together. Would this Thursday or Friday evening work best?”

Know that is doesn’t have to be extravagant. Keep it simple, offer options, and know that your grieving friend may just want your presence over anything else.

3. Ask her about her grief

When someone is grieving, especially in the beginning, every day can be drastically different. I had no idea what I was in for when it came to grief. It was and still is so incredibly painful. Some days I know how I’m feeling, and other days I’m in a fog. In the first month, it was mostly fog. Because of this, it meant a lot to me when my friends specifically asked how my grief was that particular day.

One of my friends often sends me a text that just says, “How has your grief been today?” It frees me up to talk about how I’m processing losing my son. When I’m asked “How are you?”, I don’t feel the same freedom to open up about my grief. But when I’m asked specifically, I feel the freedom to share my heart fully. Sometimes her answer may be, “I really don’t know how I am.” The sadness overwhelms you at times and it’s hard to even form a thought in the midst of that. Remind her that it’s okay if she’s not ready to answer, but that you’ll be there to listen when she is.

4. Bring a meal or send a gift card

Meal trains. What a gift they are. One of my sweet friends set up our meal train and we were just so thankful for every person that brought us a meal. One thing I love about meal trains is that we didn’t have to make any decisions. All we had to do was let my friend know when to start them. Bringing a meal is a great way to love your grieving friend. Oh, and don’t forget to bring disposable plates and utensils! This was a huge blessing to us because on top of having dinner delivered, we didn’t have to worry about dishes either.

I would also recommend sending gift cards. When we were pregnant, one of our friends sent us a Door Dash gift card. It was so nice to order food and have it delivered on those nights we just couldn’t get ourselves to cook. We had a number of other people send gift cards to local restaurants, and to one of my favorites – Dunkin Donuts.

We had a few people that included something for the girls when they dropped off a meal. That meant so much to our family, and it brought the girls so much joy in the midst of such heartache. If your friend has little ones, remember them too and bring them something special. It doesn’t have to be much. My kids went crazy over the packs of gummies they received. It’s the little things that mean the most!

Whether you send a meal or a gift card, know that it will be appreciated. Anything that can ease the load of cooking and planning meals will be such a gift.

5. Offer help if your grieving friend is planning a funeral

We did a celebration of life for our son. No one ever wants to be in this position, so offering yourself to be of any help will mean a lot to her. Our church took on a lot of the planning and really made it a smooth process for me and my husband. Here are some practical ways to offer help:

• Offer to watch her children so she can have time to plan
• Offer to be with her while she plans
• Ask if she’d like help setting up everything that day
• Offer suggestions or ideas if she would like them (a friend sent me the idea of doing a butterfly release, which we did and loved!)
• Ask if she would like to be alone afterwards or if she’d like for you to come over

Our church went above and beyond to ease the burden of planning the service. Your grieving friend may not need a lot of extra help, but she will for sure appreciate you asking!

6. Financial support

This depends a lot on your grieving friend’s situation. But I am forever grateful for the financial support we received. It allowed my husband to be off of work for a month after our son was born. He held us together as a family and I couldn’t imagine that month without him home. It also helped cover traveling expenses during our pregnancy.

My group of friends also paid for me to go to counseling once a week. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of counseling after loss. It has been so helpful and I’m just so grateful my friends took care of me in that way.

I would suggest evaluating what your grieving friend needs or may need financially. Offer to help set up an avenue for others to give.

7. Acts of service

After losing a loved one, your friend may not have the capacity to do the daily tasks. Our grieving process started when we found out about our son’s diagnosis. It was definitely different after he went to heaven, it was like a whole new grief took place. But when we got our son’s diagnosis, we had so many friends just show up and serve us. We had some friends and family come stay with us during that time, and they just loved us so well. They cooked for us, did the dishes, played and cared for our kids, and so many other amazing things. Clean the house, do the dishes, take out the trash, and just look for needs and meet them.

Again, the only reason I can write this is because it was done so well for us. Friends came and are still coming to serve us in this time. And while I never wanted to be on the receiving end of this, I am just so grateful for the love that people poured out on us.

8. Pray for your grieving friend

I am so thankful for every person that prayed and still prays for our family. There were times during my pregnancy and still times in my grief that I just don’t have the words. I don’t know what to pray besides, “Lord, help.” Knowing that there were so many people bringing us to the throne of grace gave me so much peace. When I was pregnant, I used to tell my son that he is covered in prayer. Those prayers meant the world to me. Pray for your grieving friend and let her know you’re praying for her. I loved when friends would ask me what they could specifically pray for that day. It brought me so much comfort.

9. Listen without judgement

I think this applies to any situation or relationship. We all want to be heard, not judged. But especially when it comes to loss. I was able to express how I felt to my people without feeling any judgement. Another piece of advice I have is to not try to fix anything. If she is feeling down and everything she is saying seems negative – don’t feel the need to fix that. You’ll know if she needs encouragement and you can offer that. But from my experience, I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to talk about my son and not feel crazy for what I was feeling. Judgement free zones will be her safe place.

Sometimes we feel a lot of pressure to say something when someone is sad. It can be uncomfortable to sit in someone’s pain. But there’s no bringing back her loved one. There’s no fix this side of Heaven. Don’t try to fix it. Just be with her, remind her that you’re there for her, and listen.

10. Gift ideas

We were overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness and kindness of others after we lost our son. I remember telling a friend that I don’t even have words anymore. People just kept giving and showing up and my heart was so overwhelmed in the best way. I didn’t even know what to say anymore and thank you didn’t seem like enough. But my goodness, when people have the opportunity to bless you in really hard season of life, they will. Here are a few gift ideas:

• Sentimental jewelry – I received a birthstone ring from Made by Mary and I wear it every day! Another friend had a necklace made for me from Fierce Deer. It has three trees and three stars on it (the trees for my three girls here, and the stars for our two babies we miscarried and our Kaleb). Personalized gifts like these were so very special to me.
• Personalized Candle – We recently opened up a clean-burning candle business. We created a candle specifically for grief and loss. It means so much to a mama to see her baby’s name. It was a joy and an honor to create this and I hope it is a blessing to anyone who receives it!
• A few of my friends brought me a gift basket. It had a soft blanket, a candle, coffee mug, coffee, and a number of other things. They also brought my kids snacks and activity books. It means so much that they were thinking about my girls as well.
• Think comfort. A warm and soft blanket, fuzzy socks, a coffee mug… you can’t go wrong with those.
• If your friend is up for reading, I would highly recommend getting her Every Moment Holy, Volume II. It is a book of liturgies for those grieving. Finding the words to say after loss is so hard, but this book helped put my feelings into words and it really helped me in the grieving process. I usually love to read, but haven’t been able to since Kaleb went to Heaven. This is the only book I feel capable of reading at the moment.

11. Continue to bring up their loved one

I didn’t realize how important and needed this was until we lost Kaleb. Talking about him and sharing my heart about him helps me so much. There’s a fear that he will be forgotten. So continuing to talk about him reassures me that he is still such a big part of our lives.

I don’t mind bringing him up in conversation, but it means SO much when someone else talks or asks about him. It is so much easier for me to pour my heart out if I feel invited to do so. I’ve gotten texts from friends that just say how much joy his little life brought to them. Or when they say his name in conversation, my heart bursts. It just all means so much.

Know that your grieving friend will never fully stop grieving her loss. It may look different in different seasons, but continue checking in – especially on those important dates. A month after we lost our son, I remember thinking I would be fine and that it couldn’t be harder than it already has been. I was wrong. There’s something about dates that just bring up so many feelings and emotions and you can’t shake it. It was such a hard day, but I knew my friends were praying for me and checked in frequently. I know I’ll need that in the months and years to come.

Mark your calendar and check in on those dates. It could be their loved ones birthday, the day they died, an anniversary, etc. A simple text saying, “I know today may be tough, just want you to know I’m thinking of you and praying for you.” You could also share a memory you have of their loved one. I know I love hearing others talk about our boy.

Just be there

The love and support we received was beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined. But the most meaningful was the ones who simply showed up. They offered to swing by, or drop something off, or just come sit with me. It brings me to tears just thinking about how beautiful friendship is and how thankful I am for it.

Your friend needs you now more than she ever has. Just be there with her and sit with her in the midst of her heartache.

Thanks for being here,
Jenny