How to Comfort Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

It can be so tough to know how to comfort someone who just had a miscarriage. After two losses of my own, I thought it would be helpful to share some ways that really comforted me.

The heartache that comes after a miscarriage is something that is so hard to explain. After we lost our second baby, I felt like the best way to describe it is that we missed out. We missed out on what could’ve been, we missed out on what we were hoping for. It’s the deepest sense of “missing out.”

We have been blessed with three little girls who we are incredibly thankful for. One of the hardest parts about this last miscarriage was that they were old enough to understand that Mommy was pregnant, and now she’s not.

If you’re reading this, someone you know has most likely suffered a loss. How I wish this kind of pain didn’t exist. We live in a fallen world and it was never meant to be this way. But one day, all will be made right. My hope is fully in the One who made us, and I firmly believe that we will meet those babies in Heaven one day.

Until then, we need to find ways to cope. I was fortunate enough to have a great support system after our losses. My friends and family were so kind and loving and truly helped me process what had happened.

How to comfort someone who had a miscarriage

1. Listen

My absolute best advice would be to simply listen. After someone miscarries, they are feeling so many different emotions. Everyone is going to process it differently, and it helps to know how your friend processes. She may need you to be there for her as much as you can, or she may need some space to process until she can talk about it. Take into consideration her personality and ask her what she needs from you.

I felt so loved when a friend would ask how she could specifically pray for me. Give your friend the opportunity to tell you what she needs. And if she doesn’t know or isn’t able to articulate it, reassure her that you will give her time and space until she’s ready to talk.

2. Send her something

Flowers, cooking a meal, sending a card – all of these things made me feel so loved after we miscarried. Know that there’s nothing that can take the pain away, but reminding her that she is loved and you’re there for her will make a difference in her recovery. Receiving flowers on my doorstep really did bring a smile to my face in the midst of pain. Having a friend drop off a meal was such a gift.

I’m a big fan of doughnuts – all day, every day. After we lost our first baby, one of my friends dropped off a dozen doughnuts. She didn’t come in, just sent a text that they were there. She knew I needed some time to process and wasn’t ready to see anyone. As small as it was, it meant the world to me. Continue to take into consideration how she feels loved.

If you are looking for a gift to send her, I’d recommend this necklace that a friend sent me. It came with a box which was great to have as a keepsake. I could fit the pregnancy test, a little outfit I had gotten to announce the pregnancy, and a few other things in the box.

We recently opened up The Hope-filled Shop and it’s full of gifts for those who are grieving. I hope you find something that will bring your friend so much comfort.

3. Check in on dad

Dads are going to be caring for Mom, so be sure to check in on him too. This can be a lot for him. Not only is he processing the loss himself, he’s taking on a much bigger load than usual. Depending on when your friend miscarried, she may need physical rest and/or time to grieve emotionally. Either way, check in on Dad – he needs some help right now too.

4. Validate the loss

Miscarriage can be hard to relate to if you’ve never had one. If you have not experienced this type of loss yourself, the best thing you can do is simply validate the loss. Ignoring it because it’s uncomfortable to talk about it could make it worse. Remember that no matter how far along she was, that baby was already a part of her family. A practical thing you could say when you don’t know what to say: “That must be so hard, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

5. Avoid cliches

It may feel good to tell someone that “God has a plan” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Normally these things do bring comfort. But after I miscarried, I didn’t want to hear that. I know God has a plan. I know God is sovereign and in control of all things. It’s just not a comforting thing to hear right after losing a baby.

6. Remember her other children

If she has other children, this can be extremely difficult. I had three kids at the time of our last miscarriage, and my oldest two were four and six. We have always chosen to be honest with them, and this was no different. It was harder to tell them than it was to find out myself. I just didn’t want to break their hearts, and loss can be such a confusing thing at this age.

We took it as an opportunity to remind them of the gospel. To remind them that this world is not our home, and that one day we will be in a place where there is no more heartache or pain. We taught them that until we get to Heaven, we have a purpose here on earth to love God and love others even when things are hard.

A good friend of mine sent a surprise package just for the kids right around the time I was having a procedure. I was SO grateful. A box full of goodies just for them was the perfect gift to help them feel loved when I wasn’t at my best. If you’re looking for ideas, the box included magnifying glasses, a book, some snacks, and everything we needed to bake a cake. Because who doesn’t want cake? So thankful for the kindness of friends.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok

If your friend had a miscarriage, she is most likely reaching out to others that have miscarried. Comfort can be found when someone fully understands. Know that she needs you too. She just needs to know you’re there. I had a few friends who just texted each day checking in. There was no pressure to respond, just a simple “praying for you, I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” It made me feel so loved to know they were in my corner and praying for me.

How to comfort someone after loss:

1. I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be so hard for you.
2. I’m bringing dinner on Wednesday. I’ll drop it off on your porch around 5:00.
3. Can I come get the kids and take them to the park?
4. We are all praying for you.
5. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.

It’s ok to not be ok

Give her time. Let her not be ok for however long she needs to not be ok. Know that you can’t fix it. Grief and healing processes happen on their own timeline, just keep letting her know that you are there. And if you happen to be reading this after your own loss, I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through right now. Know that you are not alone in your pain. Try to find someone who understands, let yourself grieve, and reach out to those that care about you when you are ready.

A few other gift ideas…

Thanks so much for reading, friend. – Jenny