Lonely Mom No More - How To Overcome Loneliness in Motherhood

Feeling like a lonely mom can be a hard reality to understand if you haven’t experienced this kind of loneliness. How can you feel alone in motherhood when you are rarely by yourself? It is possible, and it is all too common. But it doesn’t have to be! Let’s talk about how to fight loneliness as a mom, no matter what stage of life you are in.

Feeling like a lonely mom was an unexpected struggle in my motherhood walk. To be honest, it was the last thing I thought I’d struggle with. It hit hard specifically as a new stay at home mom, then would cycle in and out depending on the season of life I was in.

I am so thankful for the wisdom and counsel of other women who have gone before us. I’ve learned so much about fighting against loneliness and want to share with you how I overcame some of the hardest seasons of loneliness.

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Why are moms lonely?

According to a study done in the UK by ChannelMum.com, 90 percent of mothers have felt lonely since having children, and 54 percent felt “friendless” after giving birth. While those numbers seem astounding, I think anyone who is a mom would not be so surprised. Especially new moms.

Here are some reasons moms my be feeling lonely

lack of energy – the lack of sleep, mixed with all the hormones and new emotions would make anyone want to coop up and stay home.
not feeling like themselves – so many changes with your body and your mind, and no idea what to do to feel like yourself again
scared/nervous to get out as new mothers – my hardest season of loneliness was when I was a new mom, mainly because I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. It was easier to stay home then go out and risk learning how to interact with my first baby! New motherhood is a joy, but the feelings of loneliness were very real.
the sudden change of staying at home – most of the time, moms go from working a full time job to completely staying at home. Quitting cold turkey on daily adult interaction is bound to stir up some loneliness. Only being around young children who can’t quite communicate could lead to feelings of loneliness quickly.
moving – building a new group of friends from the ground up is no easy task. This can lead to lonely feelings due to the pure fear of putting yourself out there. More about this in a bit.

The hard truth about being a lonely mom

The hard truth is that if you are mom, you will most likely go through seasons of loneliness. This doesn’t mean you don’t have a supportive husband, aren’t a good mom, or that anything is wrong with you. These seasons will come and go, but please know that you are not alone in feeling alone!

How to win the fight against loneliness

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Such an important step in winning the battle against loneliness. For a long time, I fought these feelings. I didn’t want to admit that I was alone. It felt like failure or like something was wrong with me. I have always wanted to be a mom, so I felt like I “shouldn’t” have felt like a lonely mom. But I did. And once I talked about it and shared with other moms, I realized they felt the same way too. That is how you build your circle, by sharing your heart and the hard truths of what you are experiencing, even if it feels like the hardest thing.

2. Try not to forget who you are

It’s so easy, isn’t it? In the midst of all the things that motherhood brings, we can often forget who we are. Instead of trying to get back to your “old self,” try to embrace who God is calling you to be in this season. Every mom I know has said that motherhood changed them and that they are not how they used to be.

I believe this is a good thing, the Lord is sanctifying us through motherhood and we are not going to be who we used to be. Leaning into the “new you” is going to be way easier than trying to get back to who you used to be.

These little people that the Lord blessed us with are going to change things. We’re going to experience emotions and struggles that we didn’t even know were possible. But even on your worst days, keep an eye out for what the Lord is doing.

Remembering who you are in the Lord will help you win the fight against loneliness. He has placed you where you are on purpose. Instead of fighting against hard seasons, try to lean in to what the Lord may be doing.

3. Put yourself out there and reach out to other moms

THIS is the biggest and best piece of advice I would give to any mom who is struggling with loneliness. There are going to be times when reaching out to new friends is the last thing you want to do. But if you are in a season of loneliness, do it even when it’s out of your comfort zone.

Chances are, there are many moms in your life who are struggling with loneliness too. They are waiting and hoping that someone will reach out to them. Be that person! Take the first step.

My friends and I often refer to finding mom friends as “dating.” They feel so similar. Someone has to reach out, someone waits for a text or call back, and someone hopes they ask to hang out again. It can be nerve-racking!

Focus on getting past that first step. The fear of rejection is real, but I guarantee there are so many moms who are ready and willing to say yes.

It’s ok if you are not extroverted or outgoing, you can do this. Prayerfully consider who to reach out to, and go for it! The greatest cure for loneliness is friendship and community. Finding those like-minded people is not easy, but it is possible!

One last tip on how you can approach another mom:

Ask how old her kids are. This one is super easy, and almost always strikes up a conversation.
Compliment her or her kids – “I love your shirt!,” or “Your oldest son is being so kind.” These will also strike up conversation.
Ask if she needs help – this one may not strike up a conversation, but occasionally a mom will take me up on the offer. Most of the time it is at the grocery store or in line somewhere. If her baby is crying or fussy, try interacting or have your kids play with her older kids. Lots of options here, but if you can – keep an eye out for any other mamas that may need an extra hand.
Ask to meet at a neutral place – Moms usually have their guard up at first. If you ask her to hang out, try going to a park or a neutral place for the first time meeting.

4. Recognize negative thinking patterns and put a stop to them

Think about all of those thoughts you have about yourself and recognize which ones are true and which ones are not. Here are some thoughts I had when moved to a new state two years ago:

All of the moms probably have their circle of friends and I’ll just be a burden (false)
Maybe I can get to know some moms through homeschooling groups (true)
I’ll be fine if I just stay in touch with my old friends (false)
We have family here so maybe we won’t need deep friendships (false)
It’s going to be SO hard to build new friendships (false)

Thankfully, I was able to start building new friendships. I got over the fact that other moms may say no when asking them to hang out. To my surprise – so many of them said yes! And I couldn’t be more thankful. Feeling like a lonely mom is one of the worst feelings in the world. You are doing so much for those little people, and having your village of mom friends brings encouragement, laughter, and not to mention – friends for your kids!

It may not be easy, but it will be worth it

Connecting and cultivating friendships with other moms is not something that will just fall in your lap. But after you invest time and energy into building these friendships, the end result will be so worth it. If you are in a season where you feel like you have no one, reach out. Even if it makes you cringe because you’ll feel so awkward, or if you fear rejection, reach out anyway. The worst that can happen is they say no and nothing changes. But the alternative (which will most likely happen) is that they say yes and you have the opportunity to build a solid friendship.

Thanks so much for being here,
Jenny

Lonely Mom No More – How To Overcome Loneliness in Motherhood